Thankful

This time of year, people are posting daily on facebook all of the many things they are thankful for. I did it last year, and I'm sure I said all of the typical things. But this year I didn't jump on the bandwagon. First, I'm trying to have less of a presence on facebook when posting updates. I am still a little too attached. There, I said it! Second, I am thankful for many things but don't think it should be just a "hey, look at me and what I have" daily thing. It should be an all-the-time, all-year-long, every-single-day-on-my-knees-praising-God thing.

That being said, hardly anyone reads my blog, so it's mostly just my online journal. I have always have multiple things to be thankful for, but at this time in my life, I feel especially thankful and blessed beyond measure. There was something going on in my life that I was trying to hide...from embarrassment, for fear, to keep from being judged. I had been slowly dipping my toes to test the waters of telling the truth, and it seemed impossible. But let me tell you, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. I prayed that God would work in me to just spit it out. I prayed that God would prepare my family to forgive me. I prayed that I wouldn't be "that" person any longer.

The Bible tells us that we can have anything if we just ask...BUT we have to be seeking God's kingdom first. And I knew I was not in God's will because I was being disobedient. I was hiding something. I was lying. I was keeping my family from blessings because of my selfishness. I was giving the devil a way into my home because of my deceit! I wasn't eating as much (but far from starving). I wasn't sleeping well. I would be exhausted during the day from lack of sleep at night. I was having nightmares of my family being torn apart, being forced out of our home, something awful happening to my children, all because of my bad choices.

But I was DONE! I didn't want to carry that load anymore. God was working in me, and I KNEW if I would just say it and get it over with, pull the bandaid off, that the healing would begin. I would be a new person. I would be back in God's will. I would be forgiven and I could move on. I knew no matter how anyone else felt about what I had done, that God would love me. I was okay with God. I have faith in Him. However, I didn't have faith in Him to work in my husband to extend me the same forgiveness and mercy. Yes, it was hard for several days. I cried a lot of tears, prayed a never-ending week-long prayer (or it felt that way). I sought the Word for guidance and counsel. I was actually reading with purpose, not just out of obligation. Things were jumping off the page at me that hadn't meant much to me before.

Can I just say, God is amazing! How could I ever not trust Him to take care of everything? Sure, my husband was not happy. He was furious. Sure, I cheated my family out of blessings and there will be consequences for quite some time. But my husband could have reacted a lot of ways, but the one thing he said even when he was mad was that he loved me. HE LOVES ME! Those were the words I needed to hear. God knew that I needed to know my husband wasn't going to walk away, but that my family would remain in tact and we were going to work through this together. I know this story is far from over. Our story is still being written until we take that last breath, but I can already tell a huge difference in my life. While it was hard to confess to my husband, I was far more afraid of him than of God, because I know God loves me. But since then, I have been free. I am no longer wondering when I'm going to be found out, or how I'm going to hide it. Now, my life is an open book. I reached that point of brokeness where I had nowhere else to go but up.

God will take us back, no matter what we've done, no matter how many times we've messed up. But it is OUR choice. Sometimes people are mistaken in thinking that God just forgives us...no, you've got to say you're sorry and do your best not to do it again. You can't just keep on doing what you've been doing and expect forgiveness. It is always our choice to choose our way or God's way. That's the difficulty of free will. Too many times we let ourselves get in our own way, or worse yet, in God's way.

So while everyone is telling what they're thankful for...I'm thankful for God's forgiveness and salvation. I'm thankful for Jesus dying on the cross for every sin that would ever be committed in all of time. WOW! Just think about that. Jesus didn't just die for me and the lies I had kept. But he died for the murderers, the rapists, the thieves, the liars, the cheaters, for those who rejected Him, for those who killed Him! WOW! I'm thankful that God sent me a husband who grew up with a similar foundation and love of God as I did. I'm thankful for second chances, for receiving mercy and being able to extend it to others. I'm thankful for my children who are beautiful, healthy and smart. I'm thankful for my home and everything in it. I'm thankful for protection. I'm thankful for the friends and church family He has surrounded us with. These people have been so supportive and non-judgmental through all of this, and there is still a road to travel. I'm thankful that my children are still young and will probably never know what is happening, and we have the ability to right the wrong now, and teach them to learn from my mistakes. I'm thankful for staying home with my children to bring them up in the ways they should go, and to guard their hearts and minds for as long as possible.

Do I deserve all of this? No. Does anyone? No. We all deserve hell. Yes, I said it, because I believe what the Bible says...and it says that is what we deserve. I've heard several pastors preach that we should never pray for what we deserve, because we will not like what that is. We don't deserve anything but death. But by choosing to accept Jesus' gift of forgiveness, and choosing to live for Him, we have the gift of life eternal in heaven. It cannot be earned by attending church, giving money, helping the poor, etc. It can only be given as a gift from Jesus. An evangelist who visited our church told us we are given a handfull of choices every day, and that we can either choose Jesus or we can choose the devil. The Bible is clear that if we are not for God, we are against Him. So it IS that simple. If we don't choose what would be pleasing to Him, we are most definitely choosing the enemy (even if we don't think it's "that" bad).

I'm thankful for every person who is reading this, and pray if you know Jesus you will be encouraged...and if you don't, I pray that you will. All He wants is you to talk to Him, like He's your best friend. Consult Him in everything. He will take you through. You'll still make mistakes, you'll still be tempted, you'll still have hard times, but the difference is He will be there to walk you through.